


I Hope You're Happy (cause I'm not)

by IvyCpher



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is a Dark Side, Break Up, Crying, Deceit Sanders Angst, Drinking, Flashbacks, M/M, Past Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Past Relationship(s), Post-Episode: ACCEPTING ANXIETY Part 2/2: Can Anxiety Be Good?, Sad Deceit | Janus Sanders, Sad Ending, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:40:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24325192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvyCpher/pseuds/IvyCpher
Summary: Janus regrets ever breaking up with Virgil, but what he regrets more is what he said to Virgil that made them breakup.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit Sanders
Comments: 8
Kudos: 127





	I Hope You're Happy (cause I'm not)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is inspired by the King Princess song Talia! Enjoy!

Janus didn’t want to break up with Virgil. He never did. He truly didn’t even remember what he said to make it happen, he was too mad back then to remember. But he did know that it was horrible and that he never should have said it. He regretted it everyday without even remembering the words. And he didn’t just regret it because he missed being with Virgil, he regretted it because he never wanted to hurt him.

The details were fuzzy in his mind, but the memory as a whole was as sharp as a dagger and it cut through him everyday.

It had been a normal day for them really. After Virgil had returned back from what Janus probably assumed was a day of terrorizing the light sides, they sat on the couch and cuddled. Janus remembered that part vivid enough. How Virgil laid with his head on his shoulder, how he had intertwined their arms together, and how both of their cold hands seemed to lock perfectly together.

If they had been talking about something before it was brought up, Janus couldn’t remember. He wished he could remember. It was probably something simple… Things used to be simple between them. Now things were hard and complicated, if there was even anything between them at all.

All Janus knew is that one moment it was perfect, and then the next things went to hell in a handbasket.

***

“Stormcloud, are you alright?” Janus asked, pressing a kiss to the part of Virgil’s head that wasn’t covered by his hood. His boyfriend had been tense ever since he returned from his time with the so-called  _ light sides  _ and Thomas. Usually Virgil was some degree of tense, but then he was so tense that Janus could feel it in the air.

With a sigh, Virgil looked up and pressed a slow kiss to Janus’ lips. “I’m… I’m fine, Jan.” He muttered, pulling away from the kiss and looking away from Janus nervously. “Just- somethin’ happend today is all.” He shrugged softly, pulling his arm out of Janus’ and unconnecting their hands. He crossed his arms over his chest, looking unsure and biting his lip.

Janus gingerly removed one of his gloves and moved slowly to cup Virgil’s cheek with his ungloved hand. He gently turned his face toward his own. “Did-” He was careful to keep his voice steady, not wanting a serious change in tone to worry Virgil more. “Did they say something to you?” Janus asked quietly. Virgil had told him plenty of times of how that damned  _ princely  _ Creativity had said some rather rude things to him. It was only at Virgil’s request, however, that Janus had not pulled an impersonation of Roman and ruined his character.

Slowly meeting Janus’ eyes, Virgil shook his head, making his bangs fall into his face. Janus reached forward with his other hand to brush the hair out of Virgil’s vision. “They’ve…” He hesitated, taking a deep breath and making his hands into fists in front of him. “They’ve accepted me.” He said so quietly that Janus wasn’t certain that he heard him right.

When Janus stayed unresponsive for a moment, processing what Virgil said, his boyfriend spoke again. “They’ve accepted me, Janus.” He said, his voice sounding more certain and the smallest of smiles pulling at his lips. He sounded relieved and it made Janus feel like his heart was being chiseled apart.

“That’s…” Janus finally began, seeing that Virgil expected a reaction from him. “ _ Wonderful.”  _ With displeasure easily seeping into his voice, he dropped his hand from Virgil’s cheek.

Suddenly, Virgil’s face was filled with confusion. Before Janus could retract his hand back completely, he grabbed it. “Aren’t you happy for me?” He whispered. “They’ve accepted me, that means that they can accept you and Remus too.”

Janus’ hand twitched in Virgil’s at the selfcontrol it took to not pull away. His heart was beating hard in his chest, harder than he wanted it to. It was all he could feel. It numbed everything with a constant throbbing like his whole body was an open wound desperately trying to heal. He was angry. “So you’re leaving?” Was all Janus was able to ask without letting out everything that was suddenly beginning to storm inside him. His voice sounded cold and he could never remember speaking to Virgil in such a way.

At the tone of Janus’ voice, Virgil dropped his hand but did not move away. “No- well, not in the way that you think.” He shook his head. “Janus, I’ll still be  _ here.  _ I’ll still be with you.”

“Oh, really?” Snapped Janus. He stood up from the couch so quickly that blood rushed to his head and made him feel dizzy. He didn’t show his discomfort, however. “Because,  _ darling,  _ it sounds like you’re leaving to go join  _ them!”  _ He spat, pointing his ungloved hand vaguely past Virgil. He snatched his yellow glove off the couch and angrily yanked it back on, covering the dark scales that littered the back of his hand.

There was an angry flush to Virgil’s face as he too stood up from the couch, he yanked off his hood. “You’re overreacting!” He growled, his voice growing deeper and unsteady with anger.

“Really now?” With a click of his tongue, Janus took a step toward Virgil. “Last time I checked,  _ that was your job.”  _ He hissed, pointing a finger at Virgil’s chest. “As  _ Anxiety _ , isn’t overreacting all you ever do?” The pain in Virgil’s eyes caused Janus to stop for a second, but he was too worked up and too angry to stop for long. “But I guess that is how things work, that’s probably why you were accepted.” He said, his own face growing blotchy and flushed with both anger and the want to stop what he was saying before it was too late.

“Every human has anxiety, that is unavoidable. And if they dislike their anxiety enough, there are medications for it.” Janus couldn’t help how his breaths came out heavily and how his eyes burned with unshed tears, but yet he pushed on. “But there  _ are  _ no medications for  _ lying,” _ He put both of his hands on his own chest. “Or for  _ discomforting thoughts _ .” He turned around to point towards Remus’ room. He stayed facing away from Virgil for what he said next, because he knew he could never say it while looking at him. “But I wonder, Virgil, if Thomas tires of you, gets sick of you like he most inevitably will, will he take those medications that’ll silence you?” He breathed shakely and closed his eyes in a last ditch effort to will his tears away, but when he opened them again he felt them falling down his face. “And if he does… Will the others even care about your absence?”

It was then that Janus turned around. Tears were streaming down Virgil’s face, smearing his dark eyeshadow. His eyes were wide and full of hurt. He was breathing heavily and shaking. Janus realized then that he had gone too far- Virgil was having an anxiety attack.

Janus wondered why it was that only after you’ve only said the worst things possible to someone were you able to stop. “S-Stormcloud,” He said feebly, reaching out to touch Virgil’s cheek. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t of-”

“ _ Don’t touch me!”  _ Virgil boomed, his voice so loud that it shook the room. He pushed Janus away from him, stumbling backwards. “Don’t touch me,” He repeated, infinitely quieter than he was before and staring at Janus in disbelief. 

Falling to his knees, Janus shook his head. He didn’t bother to wipe his tears away. “Virgil- I-I shouldn’t have said that, I’m  _ sorry.”  _ He pleaded.

“But you did…” Virgil said. “You did…” He put his hands over his head, angrily tugging at his hair. “Janus- don’t talk to me. I’m leaving.” Even as he said this, Virgil was shaking his head vehemently with his eyes closed like the words pained him. “I’m leaving, and I’m  _ not _ coming back.” He said finally, gasping for breath, like the tears had sucked all of the oxygen out of his lungs.

Then there was a moment of silence between them were all they did was look at each other.

And in a quiet whisper that Janus wished wasn’t true, Virgil said, “We’re done, Janus.” Then he sunk out of the room.

***

Sometimes, Janus wished he could remember what he had said to Virgil that caused them to breakup. Other times, he never wanted to know what he said because he knew that he would never be able to take it back and to make everything better with Virgil. Because things would never be better with Virgil.

But on most times, however, Janus chose to conjure a bottle or two of wine and to remember the good times that he and Virgil had shared. Like he was then.

With a half empty bottle of wine in hand and his delicate wine glass long discarded somewhere in his room; Janus laid on his bed with tears silently streaming down his face. He didn’t even bother to sit up as he took a swig of the bitter wine, and when he pulled the bottle away from his lips some spilled on to him. But Janus didn’t care. The spilled wine coupled with his spilled tears, both bitter and bringing more pain than they ever would relieve.

Janus didn’t focus on the wine or how shitty he felt. He was glad that the wine numbed how he felt- both physically and mentally. Without being in his sad, drunken stupor, his head would be pounding with all of his tears and his eyes would be throbbing and his chest would be heaving and it would be so hard to breathe that he would consider not breathing at all. But Janus knew to expect a hangover pain that would be worse than all of that pain in the morning, it was a given.

But there was something Janus was able to focus on, and that something was Virgil. More importantly, the  _ good  _ memories he had had with him. Nearly every memory with Virgil was a good memory except for those few that he never dared think of when he was in such an inebriated state as he was then.

Janus thought of holding Virgil. How when Virgil was in a grumpy mood, the easiest thing to make him feel himself again was for Janus to summon all of his extra arms and one by one, wrap each pair around Virgil; pulling him close and complimenting him endlessly. How when Virgil’s facade finally broke and he couldn’t hold back his smile any longer. How his eyes lit up and he laughed the most beautiful sounding laugh Janus had ever heard. How he used to wrap his arms around Janus’ neck and kiss each and every one of his scales.

Sometimes things would escalate from there into something of the sexual nature, but other times they’d end up just lazily holding one another in one of their rooms while watching a movie. In either instance, Janus’ extra arms still came in handy with how much more he could hold Virgil with them.

_ Oh, how Janus missed holding Virgil. _

Slowly, Janus sat up. He swayed slightly as he reached over and put the unfinished bottle of wine on his nightstand. It was close to the edge but he didn’t notice. “Maybe…” Janus spoke quietly to himself, thinking the thought that he had thought of dozens of times before but never remembered in the morning. He exhaled shakily and conjured his two other sets of arms. He flexed his six hands, but their reactions were slow and out of sync with all of the alcohol in his system.

Unable to remember the fact that he had performed this action many times already, Janus hugged himself with all of his arms. But he felt nothing. Another failure that he would never remember. A sob racked Janus’ body and he hugged himself tighter. “Virgil, I’m so sorry.” He cried, knowing that Virgil would never hear him nor forgive him. Janus didn’t blame Virgil, he wouldn’t have forgiven himself either.

Still crying, Janus retracted his arms. He stood up from his bed and gripped the nightstand for support and ended up knocking the wine on the floor. He didn’t register its fall until it had already drained the remainder of its contents onto the floor, staining the carpet a dark red. Hissing at the fallen bottle of wine on the floor, Janus tried to step over it and nearly fell. He cursed and stumbled to his dresser with his hands out in front of him like he was on a tightrope and trying to keep his balance.

When Janus looked at himself in the mirror, he almost recoiled at how pathetic he looked. He was sweating bullets, so much that his hair was plastered to his forehead and his dress shirt was drenched and sticking to his chest. His eyes were gigantic and he could see the large, red blotches of wine spilled all over his now soiled shirt.

“You’re disgusting.” Janus slurred at himself in the mirror. “You were shit to Virgil and you- you didn’t deserve him.”

He watched his reflection, but it said nothing.

_ “I loved Virgil…”  _ Sighed Janus in a slightly higher voice.

Then Janus did something that he had never thought to do before. He closed his eyes and changed his physical appearance so that he would resemble Virgil. Changing his body to impersonate another side was usually easy, and felt like nothing more than pulling on a thick sweater; but when Janus altered himself to look like Virgil  _ it burned.  _ It felt like pulling on a shirt that had been hanging in front of a fire for hours and the fabric was no longer fabric but tightly woven tendrils flame.

Despite the burning of his skin, Janus didn’t falter in his transformation into Virgil and opened his eyes. He knew exactly who he was going to see in the mirror, but as soon as he opened his eyes he gasped, and so did his reflection of Virgil.

Janus leaned as close to the mirror as he could, the wood of his dresser biting into his hip as he brought his face close to the reflection of Virgil. He touched his own cheek and watched as Virgil did the same. Then Janus forced a smile, just so he could see Virgil smile, and it made his heart ache. As he leaned his forehead against the cold glass of the mirror, Janus didn’t even blink, because to do so would take away a piece of his moment, however small it might, be with Virgil, even though ‘Virgil’ was no one but himself with a carefully created mask.

Then Janus was overcome with an idea. An idea that only a very sad man could ever come up with, but also an idea that only a very  _ drunk  _ man would ever carry out. But it was an idea nonetheless and Janus was both a very drunk and a very sad man at that moment.

“I love you, Janus.” Said Janus, but it came out in Virgil’s voice and he saw the fake reflection of Virgil say it. “I love you.” He said again, hoping that they would make him feel better.

But instead of those words making him happy, they just made Janus feel alone. Because  _ that  _ wasn’t Virgil, and that  _ would never  _ be Virgil, because Virgil would  _ never _ love him again.

Janus dropped his guise and when he looked in the mirror again he saw only himself. And it was then that he knew he ought to get used to it being  _ only  _ him, because he was destined to be alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes I get an angst idea and it's just too good not to write! Despite what you may think from reading this, I actually really love anxceit. Also I listened to the song Talia on loop, without pause, the whole time I wrote this.... Which was at least three hours. I am still not sick of the song though, it's too much of a bop.
> 
> Comments are very much appreciated!!!


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